11:52 AM
alone* in the rain;
kor reminded me of a very important way of life today.
if you dont expect, you wont feel disappointment.
i felt disappointed when i organised an outing for the girls, notified them one month in advance and no one turned up.they didnt even have the common decency to inform me till the very last minute and even that was after i hounded them and reminded them repeatedly.
i no longer have the heart to go out with them.why should i care when they dont?
i have been so naive. useless me. thinking friends would stay true and together with each other through thick and thin.
it doesnt work that way. no more.i shant place my faith in anyone.because everyone has failed me.
isnt life so lonely?so many "friends" yet none to call your own.so many years of friendship and so many shared experiences yet they are mere nonsense.everything is transient.
i hope i will leave soon. life is getting really unbearable.
when you realise the life u lived has been constructed of lifes, deceit, fallacies and make believe,
everything comes crumbling down.
then hurt accumulates inside you.
no one can see
it festers
and leaves your heart stone cold.
the piercing pain then an aching numbness
then blessed relief.
because you dont feel anymore.
not because you cant
but because you've trained yourself not to
not to be naive
not to be trusting
not to believe that people
are what they seem to be
cynisim is the only way of life.
trust no one and love no one.
for the dog always bites the hand that feeds
and you are no exception.
i've moved to lj! =)
but no one reads this anymore LOL.so there isnt a need to know where i went after all. =)
12:26 PM
alone* in the rain;
Its been ages since i updated this page.
But i really cant think of much to jot down.
nyf 2006 has come to a close to close.haha.its ending soon.all that's left is the grand finale and the implementation of projects of which i hope to be able to participate in.
i hope that the tea session with mr president can be rescheduled tho.
and now, on to things i think i will need in uni1) clothes: i've sourced for one premium PINK ezra fitch polo M sized (approx $21)which i think i can fit in, one earth polo ralph roll up/down shorts uk 12 (approx $32.50 hope can negeotiate) , as well as a brown abercrombie carmen skirt (approx $32)2) bags: i've been debating between this red and white puma bag i saw on ebay (negeotiated for best price which is $30 with meet up) as well as this fruity gap twill bag on yahoo for $45 (hope can get it for $40 with meet up). really dono which one to get. was also planning to hit the stores for liti and otto summer sandals (i need some nice formal sandals or heels apart from birks) as well as wanted to visit the topshop stores etc to get some nice tops. need a nice ripcurl blue pencil case i previously spotted.hmmm. lemme calculate my finances, i seem to be damn broke now: Bag: $40 (hopefully)Clothes: Ezra fitch polo $22 Polo ralph shorts $28 (hopefully Brown Carmen skirt $32(hopefully)Pencil case: $19Sandals: $40 Grand total: $181 I guess i'll have to decide between the shorts and the skirt.And maybe see if there are any nice pencil cases which are cheaper. oh wells. when uni starts im hoping to be able to pay my handphone fees, maybe should change to m1 and get a students plan. Need to foot my monthly transport fees and pay for a new handphone and laptop! god am i broke. am due $200 + $65 +33= $298 sheesh.if only money fell from the sky.haha. school's starting soon.plus i've an english qualifying test this friday.after which i'll go zoom the shops with karen before she goes to work.see if i can get bern next week.or best on saturday. hmmms. money woe. bye bye ah kong, rest in peace. with life comes death.i must learn to accept.
4:03 PM
alone* in the rain;
im so tired.
mentally and physically.
no one understands.
i hate it when things like this happen.
i dont want to remember.I dont want to feel.
Being too bogged down by everything is bad.Which is why i think i should go be a nun and free myself from the worldly issues of love and hate and the numerous burdens of life.
no wonder ah leow said living is torturous.So many things to settle.So many memories.
let it be.go with the wind.deliver me from my sorrows.
i dont want to feel.very very tired.bone weary.
had orientation for nyf 2006 today.
the programme seems more refined.more concise.to the point and stream-lined i guess.
but i still miss echoy.
the good thing is that most of us are involved in this current nyf.so we'll get to see each other frequently.and relive the wonderful memories.
and if anyone wants to get me a birthday present cos u forgot to do so.DONT!
donate to my birthday fund i wanna buy a puma bag.which costs more than 50 bucks so any sum is absolutely welcomed.
tired tired tired.pondering the difference between living and dying and why dying sometimes is such a relief.away from all the nonsense and troubles that plague the human mind.
i wont pursue anymore.becoming dis-illusioned.
i'm tired.
i hope you're happy.for god's sake, treat her well.
i dont understand why people never cherish what they have.
if i had what i wished i had, i would cherish it so much.
and i love my clover bear.though it isnt the same, its more special.
thanks girls, love ya.
9:50 PM
alone* in the rain;
hi all, in case anyone forgot, it was my birthday on the 9th of june hehe.but i was in china so i wasnt around to whack those who forgot.
to those lovelies who rmb-ed me.i'm uber touched.*big hugs
and to ALL who wish to make a generous donation to the yockie birthday fund(to enable ME to get things i like but may seem a little tad too expensive for my wallet)
(of cos no one wld do tt haha)
but all in all i had fun.
and now i will just sit back and PRAY hard that i've a uni to go to.
hummm. =)
*grins
11:38 AM
alone* in the rain;
i miss my monkeys already.
i bought tons of chocs and stuff for them today.
i know i always complained about my brats.
but today i felt so sad and down.
that i was leaving them.
my colleague(also a RT my age, going to uni too) was telling me she'd be sad to leave them but it'll be for their own good.
i know i'm selfish.but i hate to leave them =(
i just reflected on everything today.and felt this sense of achievement that i made a difference in their lives.
i actually like teaching i think.
it has its ups and down.but the satisfaction is worth it.
but at the same time i wouldnt want to ruin their future.so well.
i have to let go.
i hope they(my monkeys) wont think too badly of me.
i hope i've made a difference in their lives.
i hope they will miss me like i will miss them.
i almost cried today saying goodbye to my sec 4 NT students.
im crying as i type this now.because i cant bear to leave them.
life's full of contradictions.irony.most prolly i will never see them again.
i took my walkout passes with me.as a token of remembrance.
I hope that my sec2s will work hard and strive for results.i dont want them to regret like i did.all the naughty boys who'd always talk when i was talking.the cheeky girls who'd mimic my hand gestures when i explained phrases.baosheng who came up to thank me after i cried in class cos i was so upset with them for not understanding my predicament.hong yong and lina my monitor and monitress.all the hardworking girls who always made me beam with pride when i saw them hard at work.even willy who always only wanted sweets from me.i hope they all get BRIGHT shining futures
the tears wont stop. =(
they keep falling.
my sec 3/10.with all the noisy foul boys.always yakking nonsense, playing with the net and their handphones during CPA, blaring music so freaking loud i'd always think they were deaf.helmi, ashraf, sharidzal.all the fighters.who will keep ashraf in check when i leave?he gave me a miniature sword to remember him by.i miss them =(
these are the students who make your life worthwhile.make your pain worth every single bit.make every late night and high stress levels count.
sec 3/9.who totally threw me off track and were fantastically nice to me.bubbly students, so chirpy.who says NT students are lousy, go whack yourself.
my sec 4/8.all wishing me luck and telling me to take care.even amir hamzah.the monkey who always fiddles with his phone and boxes his friends.
I HATE TO LEAVE.
i hope i did make a little difference in your life guys, if you ever see this that is.
you sure did make alot of difference in mine.i hope to be able to go uni and go back to visit you one day.with tons of chocs in tow.
eyes brimming with tears
heavyness in my heart
i hate partings.they are with much sorrow.
i'll be leaving sg soon.
miss me guys.
i wonder who'll rmb my bday. =(
even students from classes i taught would greet me or shout my name MISSSS TAAANNN.
how sweet.how thoughtful.
thanks for making my life so worthwhile.so meaningful.
boohoooohoooo.im still crying.i'm a loser.but i will miss them so much.
i must learn to let go.
i must.
6:38 PM
alone* in the rain;
*censored post
so tired. =(
10:36 PM
alone* in the rain;
